


Love: What I did not Expect

by Baruch_HaShem



Series: Love: [2]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: First Person, John is bisexual, John is interested in Sherlock, Love Declarations, M/M, POV John, very brief mention of past suicidal ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-13
Updated: 2016-07-13
Packaged: 2018-07-23 18:15:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7474677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baruch_HaShem/pseuds/Baruch_HaShem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Well, going out with women is just that, going out. I try to keep it casual. Just want him to notice that other human beings find me attractive.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love: What I did not Expect

**Author's Note:**

> Note: I don't own any of the characters from the Sherlock BBC television series, nor any of the characters created by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.  
> This is the time as experienced by Sherlock in Love: Not for the Faint of Heart (part 1 of the Love: series, see link), from John's perspective.  
>  **Trigger warning:** There is a very brief mention of John's past suicidal ideation before he met Sherlock. Should you have thoughts of trying to kill yourself, please don't do it, speak with someone instead, you can call a crisis line!!

(blowing out a deep breath, sitting down in armchair) _It's been three days since our last case, and he's lying on the couch, again! For the past couple of hours... How can he do that?! Besides, it's not good for his circulation. I'll have to talk to him about that, he should change his position every so often._  
·  
_My bum is starting to hurt, I need to get up. Make some tea... Tea. I won't ask if he wants a cup, not yet. He seems to be busy with... I don't know, this doesn't feel like his usual sulk. Hmm, something's up._

(deep sigh in the kitchen, waiting for the water to boil) _Drinking tea alone, without him... I do feel lonely sometimes, especially when he's withdrawn for longer periods of time. I can be left feeling shut out._

 _At least we're friends. Like, who says that, 'married to my work'? As if having a relationship with a human being - me - would be committing adultery. Does he really believe that?_ (shake head) _Of course I need to and do respect his commitment to his work!_

 _He's snooped around my browsing history, back then included only het-porn. Does he know that for a while now I've also looked at bi and gay porn? It's not fair: he looks good even lying on the couch in his dressing gown! I don't want to fantasize about him, because if I started, I probably would think about having sex with him in real life much more often. And then what? He said he considers himself married..._ (sad face, sigh)

 _Maybe Jamiebel will call later. She is a very nice woman. If he is not available, like he said, he cannot expect me to save myself completely for him. I'm not a celibate monk. I do have needs. I'm just ignoring them, a lot of the time, for his sake. Why did he disrupt my dates in the past?_ (purse lips) _How can he have not deduced already that I love him??? How many more days, weeks, months, years must I lie upstairs in my bed, thinking of him, longing to touch him, to have a proper relationship with him, not just friendship?!_

 _This waiting is frustrating. I don't even know whether he is a virgin. Does he ever masturbate? Think of me?_ (wipe at eyes) _Well, going out with women is just that, going out. I try to keep it casual. Just want him to notice that other human beings find me attractive. I don't think he'd take it well if I went out with a man. Maybe that would get him thinking, interested? Maybe I should look for a male companion? Hmm..._

(sitting down in armchair again, reading medical journal) _This is getting boring. If there's still no case in two days I'll call Lestrade._  
·  
_I am glad I met Sherlock. After getting injured life became more and more bleak... eventually I thought to end it. I remember that time. I'm not proud of it, but it is part of my life. - And then I met him, and things changed, my outlook on life changed. This here is what I really want: life with him, but more, not just friendship._  
·  
_Ah, finally there's some movement! He seems restless though..._ (turn head to look) _He must have heard my neck cracking, he's lying still again. I can just keep reading and watch him out of the corner of my eye, see what happens._ (turn head back to read)  
·  
_Why is he wiping at his eyes??_ (phone rings, answer it) "Hello?"

"Hi, John. You said I should call today. You've been hard to get a hold of. I'm free tonight. Did you want to go out for supper?"

"Let me check." (cover the microphone while asking Sherlock) "It's Jamiebel, suggesting to go out for supper. - Do we have anything happening here tonight?" _I wish! I'd rather have supper with you, really. No? Yes? Maybe? He shrugs his shoulders, meaning he does not want me to go out, prefers my company._

"I'll pass. - How are you keeping?" (notice Sherlock relax) _Good, he is relaxing now._

"Things are fine. Though I am wondering whether you still want to go out with me at all, or not. Somehow I get the impression you're making excuses lately. Is that so?"

 _An intelligent woman._ "We'll see... Thanks for having called, Jamiebel. Take care!"

"John! You didn't answer my question really, at all! Do you still want to see me, or not? You could spend the night..."

 _Sorry, Jamiebel, I need to be with Sherlock tonight._ "Bye." (end call, put phone back on coffee table)

"Is something bothering you, Sherlock? You've been very quiet these past few hours." _He is way too quiet._ (watch Sherlock turn slowly and sit up) _He must feel stiff, doesn't look happy. I'll wait..._

"John, I think you should know that I love you."

 _What? Really?!_ (lick lips) _I did not expect this!_ (kneel down close to Sherlock) _This is our chance!_ "Thank you for letting me know, Sherlock. I've been waiting to hear you say this." _Good, he's licking his lips. Must mean something._

"You mean...?"

"Yes, I love you too." _His fingers are trembling! I need to reassure him._ "May I touch you?" (Sherlock nods) _Let me kiss your hand, I am yours! Can you feel my smile?_

"Hmmm."

(getting up) _Get up, let's go!_ (tug on Sherlock's hand) "Can we lie down somewhere? I really want to hold you." _Please, I really do, after all this time!_

"Certainly..."

 _Marvellous!_  
·  
_Finally, we're naked! I certainly did not expect this to happen today! I'm so happy!!_  
·  
_I feel like crying... He is so precious! Such a precious human being... And he is with me. He is my partner. - Thank you, God!_ (kiss Sherlock, again, to let him know my love) _I want to grow old with you..._


End file.
